"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food."

I think WC Fields was an alcoholic. When you say stuff like "I don't drink water, fish f*** in it", that kinda swings it for me.

Anyway, I'm not judging. I'm a chilliholic. Or maybe, I should say chilli addict.

You see, eating chillis causes your body to release endorphins, which gives you a (natural) high. The reason I'm calling myself an addict, is that I loooove spicy food and I find myself needing hotter and hotter chillis. Nandos extra hot? Pah! Tabasco? Double PAH!!

Now, I'm not like Ms Tamuly in the video below, who is a nutter (official medical term). But, I need heat. Lots of heat! GIVE ME HEAT!!

Anyway, (regains control and manages to ignore shaking hands), did you know that there is an official, scientific measurement of food spiciness?

Obviously you didn't, and I did, 'cos I'm smart.

It was created by a certain Wilbur Scoville, way back in 1912. Imagination wasn't really his strong point as he called his measure The Scoville Heat rating.

Now Tabasco which all you wimps add the odd drop to in food and think you're living on the edge comes in at around 5000 SHU (Scoville Heat Unit). Ask Tabasco, they'll tell you. Or more likely they'll direct you to their website, that's how the world works these days.

The hottest chilli sauce ever created? Blairs 16million which comes in at, yep, you've guessed it, an incredible 16,000,000 SHU! They only made 999 bottles of this stuff and originally it cost about $200, now the bottles are going for over $5000! This stuff is PURE chilli. It's the ultimate. This is as hot as it gets.

Now, over the last couple of years, I've gone through Dave's Insanity Sauce (about 500,000 SHU), a special reserve version which was about 750,000. My latest one is Blairs Ultra Death. This is 1,100,000 on the Scoville rating!! (bought from www.hot-headz.com - oi, how about some freebies for my plug on my MASSIVELY popular blog?)

"You're MAAAAD" I hear you cry! Wrong, chilli's are good for you, straight up guv. They have lots of vitamins, reduce the chances of heart attacks, keep me slim and good looking, the list goes on, look at this link or this one, or this one.

So, who wants to come round for dinner? We won't do the eye rubbing thing honest! I'll even tell you the story about the time I sprinkled on chilli flakes in a restaurant and then went for a wee without washing my hands first. That sort of heat, I don't need!